Friday, January 18, 2008

On quitting.

Yesterday I felt like quitting.

Tuesday's field test apparently didn't go as well as it should have. After feedback from Coach on my power file, I'm not pushing hard enough. And now I have to do it again, harder, and I can't find anyone who will do it with me outside (like Coach suggests). They all just have their own 2 cents about how another way is better.

Thursday's workout was tough to just get started, much less complete. I couldn't find my iPod, so for the first half of the workout all I had were the thoughts in my head: "This is too hard." "You're not good enough." "Push harder." "It hurts." I finally turned on the stereo, when everyone else left the house.

I just couldn't get rid of the awfully negative thoughts in my head.

Wednesday night I went to a meeting of women track racers. We're trying to figure out how to encourage more women to show up for races. I looked around the room. I thought about the elite women on my team. I remembered how much it hurt to do intervals behind Morgan on Saturday.

And thinking about all those things, I know I have a long way to go.

With these thoughts, it feels like I'll never be as strong as Tricia, Gina, or Suz, not to mention someone like Sarah Hammer or Kristen Armstrong. So why bother? Why waste my time? When I'm struggling to just make myself put on the clothes and get on the bike, is it really worth it? Am I more stressed out than I need to be?

Lots of questions hanging out there, and I don't really know what the answers are.

My dreams seem so unrealistic. Maybe they are. Lots of people would think so. I don't even tell most people because I know they'd make fun of me (or just laugh). They make fun of me when I tell them how I use visualization techniques on the trainer (when I'm not as negative as I felt last night), so who knows what they'd say about wanting much bigger things than just winning a sprint at the track.

And this morning seemed like just another test.

I was out late last night, riding with the .83 kiddos, tearing around Seattle with Christmas trees, and ending up at Golden Gardens, where there are bonfire pits on the beach. It was so much fun. And we weren't competing. I was actually with the last few folks to arrive because I was helping tie and bungee pieces of wood to people's bikes, but I had a blast.

But then this morning I got up after ~4 hours of sleep, dragged myself to work, and ended up going on an hour-long trek because I forgot my badge, and no one had told me yet how to get a temporary badge. I'll leave out the details, but suffice it to say that it was a very frustrating way to start the day. I really just wanted to quit and go home.

So there is my rant on quitting. I'm still figuring out what I'm supposed to do with all the questions I have. There are lots -- more than I've written here. What would I do if I didn't race? Would I still ride? Would I get fat? Would I get depressed?

Questions feel urgent. Remind me of a song - "No Time." I got - got - got - got no time...